I fancy myself a drinker. Always have been, always will be. Sure, there are people out there like scientist, doctors, and my mom who will say that I drink too much. To those naysayers I say nay! Aside from the fact that I am really really good at drinking, it is also a lot of fun. I am not trying to defend my drinking habits, I have no need for that. I am going to explain why drinking is a necessary part of life and is a role player in the strive for world peace.
There are examples throughout history of great leaders being heavy drinkers. We can start with Alexander the Great, it’s even in his name how awesome he was. The leader of the largest empire in the history of world loved his booze. He loved it so much he even created a drinking Olympics in India. Basically the worlds first beer pong tournament. Nobody cares about how high you can jump, let me see you crush some quarter bounce and we’ll talk. Sure, most of those lightweights almost died, but that is because they drink like pussies.
Napoleon, considered one of greatest military minds in history, dominated European affairs for almost two decades and even had an era named after him (Napoleonic Wars). His victories are still studied throughout the world in all kinds of military academies. No one stays on top forever though, even Jordan had to retire eventually. Upon Napoleon’s final exile in 1815 it was reported he took crazy amounts of courvoisier with him to St. Helena. If you’re going to be exiled, might as well do it in style. Busta Rhymes would be proud. During his rule he even wanted his artillery companies to have rations of the cognac.
Moving forward, and to more important matters like America, lets talk about our boy George Washington. He is, hands down, one of the baddest American’s to ever live. He is America. His face is on the dollar bill. Just think, every time you go to a gentleman’s club you are throwing little strips of freedom on stage. He was called “Conotocaurious” by the natives which loosely translates to “Village Destroyer” because he was that badass. This is also a man known for loving his madeira, a fortified wine from Portugal. He even started his own distillery after retiring from being a badass American.
Most of our Founding Fathers liked to party. The Declaration of Independence itself was masterminded in a pub. America’s sovereignty was unofficially established in a bar. All of our greatness that we experience every day started in a place where most great stories start. Do you want to know what they did after they created the free world? They partied like 18th century rock stars. Brewers, distillers, cider makers, maltsters, coopers, these are the people that created this great nation that I defend. There are some countries out there where alcohol is prohibited; Afghanistan, Pakistan, Libya, Sudan, Yemen, Iran. There is something else all those countries have in common. America tried prohibition for awhile, very unsuccessfully mind you. You know what happened during prohibition? The Great Depression, that is what happened.
Lets talk about the man who ended prohibition a little, Franklin D. Roosevelt. The only president to serve more than two terms in office because he was loved that much . The creator of the New Deal that help end the depression. Something else he was a part of was ending WWII with another famous drinker, Winston Churchill. Churchill loved his whiskey, like any respectable man should. At the Tehran conference FDR, Churchill and Stalin all went shot-for-shot together and I’m pretty sure good things came from that meeting.
I don’t want this to get too out of hand because as I write this I’m getting more drunk watching football. There have also been many athletes known for their drinking. Joe Namath, aka Broadway Joe, who won Superbowl III, loved to get down. Today he might be more famously noted for his side line conversation withn Suzy Kolber. My question is who thought it was a good idea to interview the drunk guy? That is poor journalism in my opinion and not a lack of judgement by Namath. Other men throughout sports history that we tell our our kids to look up to were big drinkers. Mickey Mantle, Babe Ruth, even today Miguel Cabrera has been known to put back a few. The first Triple Crown winner in 45 years. Let me get this straight though, drinking and driving is not acceptable, at all. Enjoy your booze, but enjoy it responsibly. Enjoy the shit out of it. I do, and I love it. You might ask “Am I comparing myself to these great figures in history?” You’re goddamn right I am, I’m fucking awesome and I’m still young (at heart). Who knows what I have left to accomplish. All I know is that I’m going to keep drinking and keep being awesome. Only good things can follow.
You want to know what historical leaders didn’t drink at all? Hitler and Bin Laden. I think it is pretty obvious what the right thing to do is. I rest my case.