Category Archives: Uncategorized

Like it it says, this is for all the bullshit that doesn’t fit anywhere else, yet I still feel I should write something.

Life and Shit

As I sit here watching the Army-Navy game less than a week from last day of active duty I started thinking…I’ve done some shit in my life.  I’ve lived and traveled in foreign lands.  I’ve met hundreds if not thousands of interesting people.  There have been exotic women, classy women, trashy women, basic bitches, bad bitches and sometimes no bitches.  I’ve jumped out of an airplane in the pitch black night in the dead of an Alaskan winter.  Drank enough whiskey in a night that might kill a lesser man.  Hell, I even had to bribe a cop in Monterrey, Mexico one time to stay out of jail for what equates to around $3.50 (my travel advice, always carry a 20 spot of whatever the local currency is).  I’ve gone big game hunting, done fly in fishing trips, gutted a deer.  The list goes on and on.  But there is always that thing that every man feels he is missing in life.  Today I think I figured what I’m missing.

A fucking championship belt.  I have never done anything in my life that has afforded me the privileged of walking around like the 2004 Pistons, just look at them, its magnificent.  They owned the NBA for an entire season after they tore apart the Lakers “dynasty” team and rubbed it in everyone’s face when the walked out of that tunnel.  I want that in my life.  I want to have a shiny gold piece around my waist showing that I am the greatest.  I obviously cannot win an NBA championship but I will find a way to get that belt.  Watch out America, I’m taking this to the next level.  I’m about the discount double check some mother fuckers right.

sheed belt

The Alaska State Fair

Today marks the glorious return of the NFL.  First game of the season, which they call Sunday Night Football on Thursday night because they are a bunch of unoriginal fucktards.   Same reason that when any quasi-scandal happens they immediately call it whatever-gate.  Deflategate, spygate, Dick-selfie-gate, or whatever we are going to have this year.  They even dubbed the interception last year the “Immaculate Interception.”  They had an entire off-season to come up with something, but no, they just spit out some recycled shit from like 30 years ago.  In the 2 minutes I’ve been writing I could come up with something better…”The Superbowl Giveaway.”  See, not hard.  It wasn’t even that great but it is better than what they put out.  Why even try to be clever though when people are going to watch anyway.  That’s why people like John Madden and Joe Buck have careers.  You could have John Madden farting on a xylophone for 2.5 hours and people would still just mute it and watch the game.  But I digress.  Thursday night football also means that my posts will be more regular.  Eat a cheeseburger on Wednesday, write about it on Thursday while watching football.  Unfortunately they closed the sports bar on post that I would frequent and drink (by myself) while writing.  So now I have to sneak my booze into the day room in the barracks, use the free wi-fi and order pizza.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  Here is my Thursday night football kick off.

I’ve eaten a lot of burgers since my last post.  Don’t worry, you will hear about them.  However, I’m kicking off the blog season with a post about the Alaska State Fair.  I grew up in Puyallup, Washington.  A small/medium-sized town in the suburbs of Seattle (hence my love of the Seahawks).  Puyallup has the 4th largest fair in the country.  The fair is a big deal and growing up there is “fair day.” From elementary school through high school on fair day you get a free ticket and a day off of school to attend the Puyallup Fair.  It is not just locally, it is all of western Washington.  Everything from the pig races to the scones to the hypnotist are fond memories of every Washingtonian’s childhood/adulthood.  I love fairs but my 15 years in Michigan deprived me of this joy.  When I got stationed in Alaska and people talked about the fair I got excited.  As an adult a care less about the rides and the pig races as much as I care about the food and the beer tents.  With my memories of the Puyallup Fair there was no way I was not going to be disappointed even though I knew not to get excited.  Outside of the 2×4 Jenga, the beer tents were Alaska priced and disappointing, the rides lacked, people watching was prime (but that is true anywhere in Alaska), but the food…the food fucking killed it.

The first place (besides the Sluice Box) that I had to hit was Gourmet Burgers, home of the famous “Doughnut Burger.”  They have some other burgers on the menu that look absolutely delicious but a fair is the for the freak show.  This is by far the most novel burger I have tried.  It is basically a breakfast with a burger patty.  You get your burger with bacon, cheddar, a fried egg all sandwiched between a glazed doughnut.  It was delicious, and at the same time it is nothing I will ever eat again.  You have to try it, but if I wasn’t at a fair I would never think about getting this monstrosity of calories.  I would compare it to a fancy McGriddle, only it cost me about 5x as much.  It is the burger version of an Alaskan strip club.  You know it’s expensive, you know it’s not that great, you go for it anyway, and yet you have zero regrets when it is all over.

Second stop was M.A.’s Gourmet Dogs…immediately after the burger.  M.A.’s has been featured on T.V. but I can’t remember what shows.  They do have one of the best reindeer sausage in town and there are some reindeer sausage carts downtown.  I decided to switch it up since I don’t think I could pick a best reindeer sausage in town and see what else they had.  I went with their Louisiana Hot Link, I added sauerkraut, Sweet Baby Ray’s Honey Mustard, and Sriracha.  Fuck yeah.  I even got props from the vendor for my creativity in condiments.  The first thing I noticed though was that the link filled up the bun in a matrimonial pairing.  Next, the link was spicy, add the Sriracha, sweet mustard and cut from the sauerkraut and it’s a party in your mouth.  If any one visits me in the next 3 months, I will take you to M.A.’s downtown, you’re welcome in advance.

Third and final food stop was on the way out. After all the shenanigans I had enough money left over for some tacos for myself and my friends as we departed.  We wondered the grounds searching for what looked like the best tacos and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t wrong.  It just said “Steak Tacos.” Sold.  Solidly filled with seasoned steak, all the taco fixings and their spicy salsa.  Now, I have had better tacos in many places outside of Mexico.  Mexican Town in Detroit, Southern California, pretty much anywhere in the lower 48.  But in Alaska you have some bullshit Mexican so this was a nice treat.  One taco is not much but this is pretty much a fair spot.  Only grip I have is that they use one soft corn tortilla.  That shit falls apart when you look at it wrong.  You need two to hold that glory together.  But their salsa made up for it, so I’ll give em a break.  Plus they are raping consumers with fair prices and cutting corners, can’t blame them it was the end of the night either, they may have been running low.  I’d eat it again.

All in all the fair trip was a success.  Big Jenga, good food and Alaskan beer all with good friends.  And now that I have drank about half a fif of Evan Williams and eat a whole large pizza its time for me to chill and watch the end of this game…and maybe finish that fif and regret it tomorrow at PT.  Deuces.








Cenosillicaphobia: The Sum of All Fears

I fancy myself a drinker. Always have been, always will be. Sure, there are people out there like scientist, doctors, and my mom who will say that I drink too much. To those naysayers I say nay! Aside from the fact that I am really really good at drinking, it is also a lot of fun. I am not trying to defend my drinking habits, I have no need for that. I am going to explain why drinking is a necessary part of life and is a role player in the strive for world peace.

There are examples throughout history of great leaders being heavy drinkers. We can start with Alexander the Great, it’s even in his name how awesome he was. The leader of the largest empire in the history of world loved his booze. He loved it so much he even created a drinking Olympics in India. Basically the worlds first beer pong tournament. Nobody cares about how high you can jump, let me see you crush some quarter bounce and we’ll talk. Sure, most of those lightweights almost died, but that is because they drink like pussies.

Napoleon, considered one of greatest military minds in history, dominated European affairs for almost two decades and even had an era named after him (Napoleonic Wars). His victories are still studied throughout the world in all kinds of military academies. No one stays on top forever though, even Jordan had to retire eventually. Upon Napoleon’s final exile in 1815 it was reported he took crazy amounts of courvoisier with him to St. Helena. If you’re going to be exiled, might as well do it in style. Busta Rhymes would be proud. During his rule he even wanted his artillery companies to have rations of the cognac.

Moving forward, and to more important matters like America, lets talk about our boy George Washington. He is, hands down, one of the baddest American’s to ever live. He is America. His face is on the dollar bill. Just think, every time you go to a gentleman’s club you are throwing little strips of freedom on stage. He was called “Conotocaurious” by the natives which loosely translates to “Village Destroyer” because he was that badass. This is also a man known for loving his madeira, a fortified wine from Portugal. He even started his own distillery after retiring from being a badass American.

Most of our Founding Fathers liked to party. The Declaration of Independence itself was masterminded in a pub. America’s sovereignty was unofficially established in a bar. All of our greatness that we experience every day started in a place where most great stories start. Do you want to know what they did after they created the free world? They partied like 18th century rock stars. Brewers, distillers, cider makers, maltsters, coopers, these are the people that created this great nation that I defend. There are some countries out there where alcohol is prohibited; Afghanistan, Pakistan, Libya, Sudan, Yemen, Iran. There is something else all those countries have in common. America tried prohibition for awhile, very unsuccessfully mind you. You know what happened during prohibition? The Great Depression, that is what happened.

Lets talk about the man who ended prohibition a little, Franklin D. Roosevelt. The only president to serve more than two terms in office because he was loved that much . The creator of the New Deal that help end the depression. Something else he was a part of was ending WWII with another famous drinker, Winston Churchill. Churchill loved his whiskey, like any respectable man should. At the Tehran conference FDR, Churchill and Stalin all went shot-for-shot together and I’m pretty sure good things came from that meeting.

I don’t want this to get too out of hand because as I write this I’m getting more drunk watching football. There have also been many athletes known for their drinking. Joe Namath, aka Broadway Joe, who won Superbowl III, loved to get down. Today he might be more famously noted for his side line conversation withn Suzy Kolber. My question is who thought it was a good idea to interview the drunk guy? That is poor journalism in my opinion and not a lack of judgement by Namath. Other men throughout sports history that we tell our our kids to look up to were big drinkers. Mickey Mantle, Babe Ruth, even today Miguel Cabrera has been known to put back a few. The first Triple Crown winner in 45 years. Let me get this straight though, drinking and driving is not acceptable, at all. Enjoy your booze, but enjoy it responsibly. Enjoy the shit out of it. I do, and I love it. You might ask “Am I comparing myself to these great figures in history?” You’re goddamn right I am, I’m fucking awesome and I’m still young (at heart). Who knows what I have left to accomplish. All I know is that I’m going to keep drinking and keep being awesome. Only good things can follow.

You want to know what historical leaders didn’t drink at all? Hitler and Bin Laden. I think it is pretty obvious what the right thing to do is. I rest my case.

12 Days of Christmas Pub Crawl: Pump Up The Kids

Did this pub crawl last year and it was a shit show. So why not do it again? 12 bars in downtown Anchorage participate. Get a stamp at each bar before 2am and enter to win 50,000 frequent flier miles. I’m going to go out anyway so might as well. In addition each bar takes donations and runs a silent auction to raise money for Foster kids in the city. I’ll post as I go and leave this unedited. Godspeed.

1) Mad Myrna’s
Ok, this is a gay bar. Knock it out early since this place can get strange. In the words of Frank Reynolds “I don’t know how much time I have left, I’m going to get real weird with it”

2) Slippery Salmon
Last met Eric Metcaff here. This year they have a private party so you get the stamp in the lobby. Fuck it, I’ll get a beer.

3) The Playhouse
This is a new bar in Anchorage and I haven’t been overly impressed. However, they have a Mario Bros. theme and they had fucking Goldeneye on N64. Fucking Goldeneye! I don’t know how many hours I spent playing that ish in college in the dorm. Fuck yeah.

4) The Avenue
Standard bar in Anchorage. Not my favorite but I don’t hate it. I’ll be back eventually. Plus it’s early so the college chicks haven’t shown up yet.

5) Killjoy Tasting Room
I am way underdressed and my new found friends are way too loud. Good things can only happen from here. Hell, you need a security code for the bathroom.

6) Darwin’s Theory
The smallest bar I’ve ever been to and the most interesting mix of people in this city. A true hole in the wall.

7) Gaslight Lounge
I don’t like this bar for several reasons. The somaons here don’t like military, also a good friend of mine got stabbed by Harry Potter here on Halloween a few years ago. But they have a mechanical bull so we will see how this goes for a few minutes. Obviously not my favorite place. Plus there is some reservist here in is ASU fishing for drinks.

7) Pioneer Bar
Like the Ave, a staple. I’m drunk fuck posts at this point. My friend Jess is trying to steal ugly sweaters. Updates to follow.

8) Humpy’s
One of my regular bars, trying to help my friend upgrade her ugly sweater. Might have to fight a mofo. My friends I met at the slippery salmon got booted for being too drunk.

Yeah. Not sure what the order was but it covered the rest. Guck drinks are expensive in the AK. But I covered the Humpy’s, Sub Zero, FlTtop, and McGinley’s in one swoop. Fuck it. Fuck this post. I’m done.

10) shit glt weird, Oh guck …

My First Post


So my first post here is not a burger review, whatever, I’m not going to back log with all the old posts I put on FB.  I’ll go back to a few of the spots at the top of this list, just to make sure they are staying competitive.  Some of the burgers don’t deserve a second chance and I won’t waste anybody’s time with that bullshit.  I’m more writing this so I have something to look at while I’m getting this thing up and running.  I might write some reviews when I’m drunk, I won’t apologize now, or ever for that.  What goes better with a burger than a beer?  Exactly.  I’ll also probably drop a few F-bombs or similar profanities, it happens, grow up.  Feel free to suggest burger joints you know around town, or anywhere I’ll try and check them out.  Hell, I’ll even try out some sandwiches if you know a place that has a killer reuben, who knows what’ll happen here.