Category Archives: The Raves

A general forum for me to express my appreciation for anything and everything that doesn’t grind my gears.

Life and Shit

As I sit here watching the Army-Navy game less than a week from last day of active duty I started thinking…I’ve done some shit in my life.  I’ve lived and traveled in foreign lands.  I’ve met hundreds if not thousands of interesting people.  There have been exotic women, classy women, trashy women, basic bitches, bad bitches and sometimes no bitches.  I’ve jumped out of an airplane in the pitch black night in the dead of an Alaskan winter.  Drank enough whiskey in a night that might kill a lesser man.  Hell, I even had to bribe a cop in Monterrey, Mexico one time to stay out of jail for what equates to around $3.50 (my travel advice, always carry a 20 spot of whatever the local currency is).  I’ve gone big game hunting, done fly in fishing trips, gutted a deer.  The list goes on and on.  But there is always that thing that every man feels he is missing in life.  Today I think I figured what I’m missing.

A fucking championship belt.  I have never done anything in my life that has afforded me the privileged of walking around like the 2004 Pistons, just look at them, its magnificent.  They owned the NBA for an entire season after they tore apart the Lakers “dynasty” team and rubbed it in everyone’s face when the walked out of that tunnel.  I want that in my life.  I want to have a shiny gold piece around my waist showing that I am the greatest.  I obviously cannot win an NBA championship but I will find a way to get that belt.  Watch out America, I’m taking this to the next level.  I’m about the discount double check some mother fuckers right.

sheed belt

Tommy’s Burger Stop: The Sicilian Mobster

There are only a few things that bring me to a state of pure jubilation.  Touching boobs, beer, a good day fishing, a good cheeseburger (obviously), and until this last weekend, football.  I was going to go on a long rant about the Michigan game, or the Seahawk’s game, but that would take away from what I have to say about this burger. and I’m really trying to move on.  This masterpiece deserves no negative context along side its glory.  So let me compare it to boobs.  Everyone loves boobs.  For the most part, bad boobs are still good, however, great boobs go into the history books.  This burger is like great boobs.  Any good man knows that it’s not all about size.  At a certain point it starts to become a novelty.  Don’t get me wrong, a novelty is great from time to time, but it doesn’t last, and you get tired of it quick.  This is true with burgers as well.  This burger is big enough that you definitely get your fill.  Could I have eaten more?  Of course.  Was I left satisfied?  Abso-fucking-lutely.  Not every burger needs to be a Heidi Montag, and to be honest, I would rather have a Marisa Miller every day over a Mia Khalifa.  Once you start serving up Heidi’s you start crossing the line into cuisine for fun and not cuisine for quality.  Plus we all know more than a handful is risking it anyway.  Could I continue to the eat this burger over and over again?  Yes, the answer is yes

When I first read the ingredients that went into this beautiful son of a bitch, I was a little skeptical thinking they added too much.  5.5 oz Australian beef patty, loaded with grilled mozzarella, balsamic onions and pepperoncinis, topped with house bacon jam.  I was very wrong.  The balsamic onions were a little sweet and didn’t give that overwhelming vinegar tinge, but cut the bacon jam perfectly with a slight tartness.  Just look at that grilled mozzarella too.  A lovely golden brown tan like it has been sun bathing on the beaches of Barcelona for weeks (which are topless beaches, FYI). Throw the rest on with a side of cajun fries and you have yourself a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model of a burger.  Only downside is that this was a special and no longer available.  But the good thing about swimsuit models is that once they are gone, there is always a new one to replace it.  So if you missed it, hit up Tommy’s for their new special, you will not be disappointed.  This burger took Tommy’s to the top of the Anchorage Rankings, breaking its tie with the Arctic Roadrunner, and I don’t see it losing the top spot before I leave in 2 months.  
  

The Alaska State Fair

Today marks the glorious return of the NFL.  First game of the season, which they call Sunday Night Football on Thursday night because they are a bunch of unoriginal fucktards.   Same reason that when any quasi-scandal happens they immediately call it whatever-gate.  Deflategate, spygate, Dick-selfie-gate, or whatever we are going to have this year.  They even dubbed the interception last year the “Immaculate Interception.”  They had an entire off-season to come up with something, but no, they just spit out some recycled shit from like 30 years ago.  In the 2 minutes I’ve been writing I could come up with something better…”The Superbowl Giveaway.”  See, not hard.  It wasn’t even that great but it is better than what they put out.  Why even try to be clever though when people are going to watch anyway.  That’s why people like John Madden and Joe Buck have careers.  You could have John Madden farting on a xylophone for 2.5 hours and people would still just mute it and watch the game.  But I digress.  Thursday night football also means that my posts will be more regular.  Eat a cheeseburger on Wednesday, write about it on Thursday while watching football.  Unfortunately they closed the sports bar on post that I would frequent and drink (by myself) while writing.  So now I have to sneak my booze into the day room in the barracks, use the free wi-fi and order pizza.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  Here is my Thursday night football kick off.

I’ve eaten a lot of burgers since my last post.  Don’t worry, you will hear about them.  However, I’m kicking off the blog season with a post about the Alaska State Fair.  I grew up in Puyallup, Washington.  A small/medium-sized town in the suburbs of Seattle (hence my love of the Seahawks).  Puyallup has the 4th largest fair in the country.  The fair is a big deal and growing up there is “fair day.” From elementary school through high school on fair day you get a free ticket and a day off of school to attend the Puyallup Fair.  It is not just locally, it is all of western Washington.  Everything from the pig races to the scones to the hypnotist are fond memories of every Washingtonian’s childhood/adulthood.  I love fairs but my 15 years in Michigan deprived me of this joy.  When I got stationed in Alaska and people talked about the fair I got excited.  As an adult a care less about the rides and the pig races as much as I care about the food and the beer tents.  With my memories of the Puyallup Fair there was no way I was not going to be disappointed even though I knew not to get excited.  Outside of the 2×4 Jenga, the beer tents were Alaska priced and disappointing, the rides lacked, people watching was prime (but that is true anywhere in Alaska), but the food…the food fucking killed it.

The first place (besides the Sluice Box) that I had to hit was Gourmet Burgers, home of the famous “Doughnut Burger.”  They have some other burgers on the menu that look absolutely delicious but a fair is the for the freak show.  This is by far the most novel burger I have tried.  It is basically a breakfast with a burger patty.  You get your burger with bacon, cheddar, a fried egg all sandwiched between a glazed doughnut.  It was delicious, and at the same time it is nothing I will ever eat again.  You have to try it, but if I wasn’t at a fair I would never think about getting this monstrosity of calories.  I would compare it to a fancy McGriddle, only it cost me about 5x as much.  It is the burger version of an Alaskan strip club.  You know it’s expensive, you know it’s not that great, you go for it anyway, and yet you have zero regrets when it is all over.

Second stop was M.A.’s Gourmet Dogs…immediately after the burger.  M.A.’s has been featured on T.V. but I can’t remember what shows.  They do have one of the best reindeer sausage in town and there are some bomb.com reindeer sausage carts downtown.  I decided to switch it up since I don’t think I could pick a best reindeer sausage in town and see what else they had.  I went with their Louisiana Hot Link, I added sauerkraut, Sweet Baby Ray’s Honey Mustard, and Sriracha.  Fuck yeah.  I even got props from the vendor for my creativity in condiments.  The first thing I noticed though was that the link filled up the bun in a matrimonial pairing.  Next, the link was spicy, add the Sriracha, sweet mustard and cut from the sauerkraut and it’s a party in your mouth.  If any one visits me in the next 3 months, I will take you to M.A.’s downtown, you’re welcome in advance.

Third and final food stop was on the way out. After all the shenanigans I had enough money left over for some tacos for myself and my friends as we departed.  We wondered the grounds searching for what looked like the best tacos and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t wrong.  It just said “Steak Tacos.” Sold.  Solidly filled with seasoned steak, all the taco fixings and their spicy salsa.  Now, I have had better tacos in many places outside of Mexico.  Mexican Town in Detroit, Southern California, pretty much anywhere in the lower 48.  But in Alaska you have some bullshit Mexican so this was a nice treat.  One taco is not much but this is pretty much a fair spot.  Only grip I have is that they use one soft corn tortilla.  That shit falls apart when you look at it wrong.  You need two to hold that glory together.  But their salsa made up for it, so I’ll give em a break.  Plus they are raping consumers with fair prices and cutting corners, can’t blame them it was the end of the night either, they may have been running low.  I’d eat it again.

All in all the fair trip was a success.  Big Jenga, good food and Alaskan beer all with good friends.  And now that I have drank about half a fif of Evan Williams and eat a whole large pizza its time for me to chill and watch the end of this game…and maybe finish that fif and regret it tomorrow at PT.  Deuces.

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