I enjoy a good food challenge from time to time. Shit, I’ve been known to eat a monster sandwich when the opportunity arises. Reminds me of one of my favorite motivational quotes…”Any pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard enough”… Not exactly sure who said that but it was probably somebody awesome like Ghandi, or Carrot Top. This brings me to the Heart Attack Special. As you can see on the menu below this beast packs enough meat to choke Pamela Anderson. With 1/2 pound of beef, 1/2 pound of spicy Italian sausage, ham, bacon, 6 slices of cheese and a fried egg it’ll fill you up. They also, don’t use buns, they use grilled cheese sandwiches to hold this glorious bastard together.
A good friend of mine has been talking about taking me to this event for a while and it never lined up in our schedules until now. It happens on Friday’s during the winter months here in Anchorage (so almost year round) and the reviews have been well received. Another friend of mine just got back from Kosovo and we decided to move our weekly Ale House visit to the burger party. People underestimate my stomach all the time, its OK, I don’t hold it against them. But when they start talking shit is when I have to put them in their place.
I was late to the party do to a ‘work event’ that went about 5 hours longer than it should have. My friend, I’ll call him Nancy for the amount he bitched, decided to order the Heart Attack as well, in an effort to show me up before I could even get there. Of course I got berated with text messages and pictures of Nancy eating this burger while I’m putting in real work. I don’t know the exact head start Nancy had, but it was at least 45 minutes.
He She was down to about 4 bites left by the time I got there. I still came within minutes of slaying this beast in his her face. All I heard was excuses about his huge vagina small stomach, the sausage was too hot, so on and so forth. It took me roughly 25 minutes to put this one in the book. I’ll give Nancy some credit, she finished though (unlike most girls I take out). So he she can write home about that.
I think there is another burger night left this season, and I’ll head back for a real cheeseburger. This was a great burger but no way I can put it in the running for best burger in Anchorage. It would be like putting Miguel Cabrera up against a high school kid in a home run derby. They don’t even belong in the same ball park. The Heart Attach was delicious on top of being a novelty. Everything about it makes me think this place has some good as burgers. Fat cooks, juicy patties and melty cheese. Keep an eye out for another review on this place. Hopefully Nancy will have manned up by then.
Max’s has been on the list for a while now. It’s at the corner of Boniface and Northern Lights, so not far off JBER. It had a low priority on the list, I heard mixed reviews. It stayed on the list because a lot of people don’t know shit about burgers. From the outside it looks like a traditional burger joint, it even advertises foot long hot dogs and tacos. SURPRISE mother fuckers, it is another Asian restaurant that happens to serve burgers, and for some reason tacos. Like all the others it definitely left a little something to be desired (except the slightly above average Burger Jim’s).
For starters, this burger was far from beefy. I don’t know how to explain the opposite of beefy really. I guess it would be similar to if you met a well endowed girl at the bar and hit things off, only to find out later that night she was wearing a push up bra. You’re still going to finish the burger, but you just won’t enjoy it as much.
I ordered the Max’s Burger. This consisted of grilled onions, mushrooms, jalapeno, mayo, ham, pickles, lettuce, tomato, bacon, american and swiss cheese. That is a lot to go on a burger but it is probably to hide the fact they use thin frozen patties they use. It was still tasty, but not burger tasty. The fries are basic store-bought frozen krinkle fries. Kind of weak. This definitely not the worst burger in Anchorage, there are some shitty burgers in the last frontier. This place is almost identical to Hamburger Haven. A blind taste test would be almost impossible. It lands at number six, but anything outside the top 10 is really not worth talking about. About the only perk (and I use that term loosely) is that it’s priced fairly for what you get. Less than $9 for a meal.
So, I’ve been a little M.I.A. since I got back from the desert. 2015 hasn’t been one for the ages (yet) so I have
wasted spent some time catching up on my drinking and chasing some tail around Anchorage. The jury is still out on how well I did with one, or both of those endeavors. Either way it was enjoyable. Throw Fur Rondy in the middle of that and I guess I’ve been “busy.” Enough excuses, I did eat a burger that was fucking phenomenal. Previously I had Tommy’s holding down the number three spot in Anchorage with Long Branch. I have had several conversations about this because many people will argue it the top spot. It had been about 8 months or so since the last time I went, and this visit put them in a tie with the Roadrunner.
This time I went with the standard bacon cheeseburger, the first time I went I had a jalapeno burger. This burger though, with two cheeses melted on and some bacon that screamed ‘put me on a burger,’ was magnificent. All their patties are Cajun seasoned. I got there later in the evening, and they are always busy, so all that goodness cooked into the grill cooked into my burger and gave the beef patty and immaculate flavor. This burger was like the first time I watched Desperado. You know any Robert Rodriquez movie will be good so you want to watch it, then you find out you get a Tarantino and Cheech cameo with Salma Hayek doing full frontal. Instant classic (side note, if you get a chance check out El Mariachi, the movie that made Desperado possible).
Other notes about Tommy’s is that my friend (who is being so lady like in the picture) got the blue cheeseburger and I was slightly jelly. The slab of blue cheese they threw on there was cooked on the grill first and looked goddamn amazing sitting on top of that patty. I will be eating that soon. However, Tommy’s is small, really small, even smaller in the winter time with out the 3 extra tables they have outside. So seating is premium. Fuck character, give me some space where I don’t have to listen to a kid yelling 2 feet away. They also have a good, but expensive selection of beverages (also cheap fountains) which includes some Mexican Coke. It’s a much different selection of burgers than the Roadrunner which makes it hard to pick a clear winner between the two. After I try some more at Tommy’s it might change.