Monthly Archives: September 2015

Nitro Burger: The Nitro Burger

There aren’t a lot of people that read this blog and those that do (holla) are mostly my military buddies up here in Alaska.  So for the few that aren’t and were not on this 11 day field exercise I will explain a little bit how shitty going to the field is.  First of all, it’s not like your family camping trip, you don’t plan around the weather.  It is safe to assume that if you are going to the field it is going to rain.  No tent, no campfire, no booze, pretty much take every thing that you like about camping and throw it off a bridge into a fiery river of misery.  Next, we don’t get to drive there, no, we sit crammed into a flying tin can with about 75lbs of “equipment” that they tell you to pack sitting on your lap cutting off circulation to your legs while wearing a 50lb parachute on a mesh seat.  I don’t care how scared of heights you are there is nothing that will stop you from hitting that door with the same furry as Kam Chancellor hitting a TE from San Fran.  Then you get about 45 seconds of relief before smashing all 300lbs of yourself and gear onto a goddamn runway.  No matter how good you are at PLF’s, you pretty much feel like you got hit by a truck.  This is then followed by 4 days for carrying heavy shit around, sleeping in the rain, and cramming an MRE (meal-ready-to-eat) into your pie hole when you get the chance.  So, with that background knowledge bomb all up in your head, I’ll get to this burger.

On the way back from this field event, they decided to bus us straight to a second field event.  The one perk the entire time was that we got to stop in Glenn Allen to get some snacks, drop a grumpy, or whatever you want to do.  This is the first time that this food truck was there, Nitro Burger.  The new guy in my section said he stopped there on his way up here and they have some bomb burgers.  No brainer, I’m getting a burger and smashing it into my face.  I of course go with their signature ‘Nitro Burger.’ This burger consists of 1/3lb burger patty, sausage patty, two cheeses, bacon, grilled onions and jalapenos. It looks unimposing in the picture, and it all reality it probably was.  But after a 4 day suck fest and eating MRE’s it tasted like the best thing I put in my mouth since that last fish taco I ate.  I will give them props that their patties are all fresh pressed and one of the things they do with their other burgers is mix different ingredients into the patty that adds a tremendous amount of flavor to the meat, which should be the focal point of your burger.  With the Nitro the sausage patty had a rich sage flavor to it that overpowered the beef patty.  Don’t get me wrong, sausage is great, in the military I’ve been to my fair share of sausagefests, however, I wanted a burger.  The way I would describe it is like this.  You meet this great girl and you guys start dating.  Things pick up a little bit, nothing super serious, but enough that stop trolling for strange.  So she decides to have you over for a dinner party with a bunch of her friends.  Well you get dressed to impress and are ready to convince the jury that you are worthy only to find out that her friend is banging hot.  Now for the entire party you are distracted by her hot friend in the tube top and mostly forget about your wonderful burger patty to the point you get yourself in trouble.  Overall an enjoyable evening, but when you leave you really forgot what your original intentions where.  But in about 85 days when I begin Cheeseburgers Across America, I will definitely stop and try one of their other burgers.  If you ever drive through Alaska, Glenn Allen will be on your way and I suggest you stop and get a sammie from these bitches.

The Alaska State Fair

Today marks the glorious return of the NFL.  First game of the season, which they call Sunday Night Football on Thursday night because they are a bunch of unoriginal fucktards.   Same reason that when any quasi-scandal happens they immediately call it whatever-gate.  Deflategate, spygate, Dick-selfie-gate, or whatever we are going to have this year.  They even dubbed the interception last year the “Immaculate Interception.”  They had an entire off-season to come up with something, but no, they just spit out some recycled shit from like 30 years ago.  In the 2 minutes I’ve been writing I could come up with something better…”The Superbowl Giveaway.”  See, not hard.  It wasn’t even that great but it is better than what they put out.  Why even try to be clever though when people are going to watch anyway.  That’s why people like John Madden and Joe Buck have careers.  You could have John Madden farting on a xylophone for 2.5 hours and people would still just mute it and watch the game.  But I digress.  Thursday night football also means that my posts will be more regular.  Eat a cheeseburger on Wednesday, write about it on Thursday while watching football.  Unfortunately they closed the sports bar on post that I would frequent and drink (by myself) while writing.  So now I have to sneak my booze into the day room in the barracks, use the free wi-fi and order pizza.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  Here is my Thursday night football kick off.

I’ve eaten a lot of burgers since my last post.  Don’t worry, you will hear about them.  However, I’m kicking off the blog season with a post about the Alaska State Fair.  I grew up in Puyallup, Washington.  A small/medium-sized town in the suburbs of Seattle (hence my love of the Seahawks).  Puyallup has the 4th largest fair in the country.  The fair is a big deal and growing up there is “fair day.” From elementary school through high school on fair day you get a free ticket and a day off of school to attend the Puyallup Fair.  It is not just locally, it is all of western Washington.  Everything from the pig races to the scones to the hypnotist are fond memories of every Washingtonian’s childhood/adulthood.  I love fairs but my 15 years in Michigan deprived me of this joy.  When I got stationed in Alaska and people talked about the fair I got excited.  As an adult a care less about the rides and the pig races as much as I care about the food and the beer tents.  With my memories of the Puyallup Fair there was no way I was not going to be disappointed even though I knew not to get excited.  Outside of the 2×4 Jenga, the beer tents were Alaska priced and disappointing, the rides lacked, people watching was prime (but that is true anywhere in Alaska), but the food…the food fucking killed it.

The first place (besides the Sluice Box) that I had to hit was Gourmet Burgers, home of the famous “Doughnut Burger.”  They have some other burgers on the menu that look absolutely delicious but a fair is the for the freak show.  This is by far the most novel burger I have tried.  It is basically a breakfast with a burger patty.  You get your burger with bacon, cheddar, a fried egg all sandwiched between a glazed doughnut.  It was delicious, and at the same time it is nothing I will ever eat again.  You have to try it, but if I wasn’t at a fair I would never think about getting this monstrosity of calories.  I would compare it to a fancy McGriddle, only it cost me about 5x as much.  It is the burger version of an Alaskan strip club.  You know it’s expensive, you know it’s not that great, you go for it anyway, and yet you have zero regrets when it is all over.

Second stop was M.A.’s Gourmet Dogs…immediately after the burger.  M.A.’s has been featured on T.V. but I can’t remember what shows.  They do have one of the best reindeer sausage in town and there are some bomb.com reindeer sausage carts downtown.  I decided to switch it up since I don’t think I could pick a best reindeer sausage in town and see what else they had.  I went with their Louisiana Hot Link, I added sauerkraut, Sweet Baby Ray’s Honey Mustard, and Sriracha.  Fuck yeah.  I even got props from the vendor for my creativity in condiments.  The first thing I noticed though was that the link filled up the bun in a matrimonial pairing.  Next, the link was spicy, add the Sriracha, sweet mustard and cut from the sauerkraut and it’s a party in your mouth.  If any one visits me in the next 3 months, I will take you to M.A.’s downtown, you’re welcome in advance.

Third and final food stop was on the way out. After all the shenanigans I had enough money left over for some tacos for myself and my friends as we departed.  We wondered the grounds searching for what looked like the best tacos and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t wrong.  It just said “Steak Tacos.” Sold.  Solidly filled with seasoned steak, all the taco fixings and their spicy salsa.  Now, I have had better tacos in many places outside of Mexico.  Mexican Town in Detroit, Southern California, pretty much anywhere in the lower 48.  But in Alaska you have some bullshit Mexican so this was a nice treat.  One taco is not much but this is pretty much a fair spot.  Only grip I have is that they use one soft corn tortilla.  That shit falls apart when you look at it wrong.  You need two to hold that glory together.  But their salsa made up for it, so I’ll give em a break.  Plus they are raping consumers with fair prices and cutting corners, can’t blame them it was the end of the night either, they may have been running low.  I’d eat it again.

All in all the fair trip was a success.  Big Jenga, good food and Alaskan beer all with good friends.  And now that I have drank about half a fif of Evan Williams and eat a whole large pizza its time for me to chill and watch the end of this game…and maybe finish that fif and regret it tomorrow at PT.  Deuces.

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