Tag Archives: breakfast

The Alaska State Fair

Today marks the glorious return of the NFL.  First game of the season, which they call Sunday Night Football on Thursday night because they are a bunch of unoriginal fucktards.   Same reason that when any quasi-scandal happens they immediately call it whatever-gate.  Deflategate, spygate, Dick-selfie-gate, or whatever we are going to have this year.  They even dubbed the interception last year the “Immaculate Interception.”  They had an entire off-season to come up with something, but no, they just spit out some recycled shit from like 30 years ago.  In the 2 minutes I’ve been writing I could come up with something better…”The Superbowl Giveaway.”  See, not hard.  It wasn’t even that great but it is better than what they put out.  Why even try to be clever though when people are going to watch anyway.  That’s why people like John Madden and Joe Buck have careers.  You could have John Madden farting on a xylophone for 2.5 hours and people would still just mute it and watch the game.  But I digress.  Thursday night football also means that my posts will be more regular.  Eat a cheeseburger on Wednesday, write about it on Thursday while watching football.  Unfortunately they closed the sports bar on post that I would frequent and drink (by myself) while writing.  So now I have to sneak my booze into the day room in the barracks, use the free wi-fi and order pizza.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  Here is my Thursday night football kick off.

I’ve eaten a lot of burgers since my last post.  Don’t worry, you will hear about them.  However, I’m kicking off the blog season with a post about the Alaska State Fair.  I grew up in Puyallup, Washington.  A small/medium-sized town in the suburbs of Seattle (hence my love of the Seahawks).  Puyallup has the 4th largest fair in the country.  The fair is a big deal and growing up there is “fair day.” From elementary school through high school on fair day you get a free ticket and a day off of school to attend the Puyallup Fair.  It is not just locally, it is all of western Washington.  Everything from the pig races to the scones to the hypnotist are fond memories of every Washingtonian’s childhood/adulthood.  I love fairs but my 15 years in Michigan deprived me of this joy.  When I got stationed in Alaska and people talked about the fair I got excited.  As an adult a care less about the rides and the pig races as much as I care about the food and the beer tents.  With my memories of the Puyallup Fair there was no way I was not going to be disappointed even though I knew not to get excited.  Outside of the 2×4 Jenga, the beer tents were Alaska priced and disappointing, the rides lacked, people watching was prime (but that is true anywhere in Alaska), but the food…the food fucking killed it.

The first place (besides the Sluice Box) that I had to hit was Gourmet Burgers, home of the famous “Doughnut Burger.”  They have some other burgers on the menu that look absolutely delicious but a fair is the for the freak show.  This is by far the most novel burger I have tried.  It is basically a breakfast with a burger patty.  You get your burger with bacon, cheddar, a fried egg all sandwiched between a glazed doughnut.  It was delicious, and at the same time it is nothing I will ever eat again.  You have to try it, but if I wasn’t at a fair I would never think about getting this monstrosity of calories.  I would compare it to a fancy McGriddle, only it cost me about 5x as much.  It is the burger version of an Alaskan strip club.  You know it’s expensive, you know it’s not that great, you go for it anyway, and yet you have zero regrets when it is all over.

Second stop was M.A.’s Gourmet Dogs…immediately after the burger.  M.A.’s has been featured on T.V. but I can’t remember what shows.  They do have one of the best reindeer sausage in town and there are some bomb.com reindeer sausage carts downtown.  I decided to switch it up since I don’t think I could pick a best reindeer sausage in town and see what else they had.  I went with their Louisiana Hot Link, I added sauerkraut, Sweet Baby Ray’s Honey Mustard, and Sriracha.  Fuck yeah.  I even got props from the vendor for my creativity in condiments.  The first thing I noticed though was that the link filled up the bun in a matrimonial pairing.  Next, the link was spicy, add the Sriracha, sweet mustard and cut from the sauerkraut and it’s a party in your mouth.  If any one visits me in the next 3 months, I will take you to M.A.’s downtown, you’re welcome in advance.

Third and final food stop was on the way out. After all the shenanigans I had enough money left over for some tacos for myself and my friends as we departed.  We wondered the grounds searching for what looked like the best tacos and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t wrong.  It just said “Steak Tacos.” Sold.  Solidly filled with seasoned steak, all the taco fixings and their spicy salsa.  Now, I have had better tacos in many places outside of Mexico.  Mexican Town in Detroit, Southern California, pretty much anywhere in the lower 48.  But in Alaska you have some bullshit Mexican so this was a nice treat.  One taco is not much but this is pretty much a fair spot.  Only grip I have is that they use one soft corn tortilla.  That shit falls apart when you look at it wrong.  You need two to hold that glory together.  But their salsa made up for it, so I’ll give em a break.  Plus they are raping consumers with fair prices and cutting corners, can’t blame them it was the end of the night either, they may have been running low.  I’d eat it again.

All in all the fair trip was a success.  Big Jenga, good food and Alaskan beer all with good friends.  And now that I have drank about half a fif of Evan Williams and eat a whole large pizza its time for me to chill and watch the end of this game…and maybe finish that fif and regret it tomorrow at PT.  Deuces.

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Spenard Roadhouse: Bacon Jam Burger

As I sit here sipping on whiskey watching the NBA finals I thought to myself “Self, you should make another burger post that you have been slacking on for weeks you fucking slack ass.” Who am I to argue with myself.  I do have to make it known that I am rooting for Golden State in this year’s finals.  Usually once the Pistons are out I don’t care too much.  However, consider that in recent history that is usually by the all-star break, I’ve been trying to keep somewhat involved come playoff time.  Stephen Curry is like watching lightning strike. pure electricity and will shoot the lights out (even though he is struggling tonight).  I’m still impressed with the show he put on in the NCAA tourney a few years back.  That shit was legendary.  Also, I am a huge fan of any team playing anybody from Ohio.  Fuck Ohio, fuck Cleveland, fuck OSU, so on and so forth.

That out-of-the-way, let’s get to the Roadhouse.  This has been one of my favorite breakfast spots in the city since I’ve been up here.  They took a hit when they inexplicably took chicken and waffles off the menu, that shit was the bomb.  What they still have going for them is their excellent whiskey selection (yes, for breakfast, don’t judge me), and their bacon of the month.  It is what is sounds like, every month they have a new appetizer that is purely bacon focused.  Last one I tried was cubed pork belly with a watermelon jam for dipping.  The salty-sweet combo with the very thick pork belly was delectable.  This leads into the Bacon Jam Burger.  It’s not some fancy name, they actually have a jam made from bacon.  Typically I’m not all about the crazy ass burgers that some places like to put out there.  The bacon cheeseburger has worked since the dawn of burgers.  This is probably the craziest burger you will find on my list and it’s fucking out there.  The burger consists of a beef patty (obviously), bacon jam, cambozola, grilled apple, arugula, house mayo all on a toasted bun.  So if you are like me and have no idea was cabozola is, it is defined as ” a cow’s milk cheese that is a combination of a French soft-ripened triple cream cheese and Italian Gorgonzola.”  Or most often marketed as a blue brie.  With arugula and what not this is turning into one high maintenance burger.  All this does come together very nicely though.  The sweet-salty bacon jam cuts the cheese nicely, somehow that grilled apple slice makes up for the arugula on this burger that is kind of pointless other than color and that crisp lettuce texture that goes so well with a beef patty.  This is definitely one of the top burgers in Anchorage, but without trying the other “regular” burgers at the Roadhouse I’m going to hold of on ranking this place.  Roadhouse is a local restaurant that needs visiting, and this a burger that you won’t find anywhere else.  But it’s just a little too off the chart to make a reasonable comparison.  Plus it is pricey for a burger.  You upgrade to the super tots (mandatory by the way) and you are spending $20 on a burger.  The super tots are amazing, which you can also order and an appetizer.  They take tots, add cheddar, bacon, green onions and sour cream.  Fabulous.  Now, this game just went to overtime and I’m about hit my 4th glass of whiskey.  Later nerds.

Burrito Heaven: The Globe

Usually whenever block leave comes around I take full advantage of the time off. This year I decided to take a little less leave to save up for terminal leave coming in the fall. This meant that I had to spend a few day on rear detachment before signing out. On rear D you get half days, which is nice, but it also means the most mundane details officers can think of, like cleaning the walls in the day room and moving vending machines. Pretty much just something to keep you busy so the army can justify you having to work at least 2 hours a day after PT. Don’t even get me started on the amount of formations you have in a half day on rear D.

On Friday, my last day of rear D before signing out, ducking every detail possible like any soldier would. Approached with the idea of getting a breakfast burrito I had to accept. Of course I already ate breakfast after PT, but I couldn’t pass on the opportunity to disappear for an hour or so. Plus it’s a breakfast burrito, seriously, how could I say no? Even if I just ate, you offer me food I’m going to eat again. We head out to Burrito Heaven. I’ve heard of this place plenty yet had failed to try it my whole time up here. Located just outside the Boniface gate on the Air Force side of base. I had some instructors in town to teach a school I was in go there almost every day the six weeks they were here. Set up like any other burrito place you have been to, the assembly line of options from left to right for you to customize your Mexican treat. These aren’t the biggest burritos I’ve had, but they are a local place and not a chain which is what I look for.

The burrito was fantastic. The Globe is their biggest of the breakfast burritos and comes with eggs, hash browns, sausage gravy and all 4 meats they offer (ham, bacon, reindeer sausage, chorizo). I topped it off with cilantro, onions, chipotle and habanero salsa. It had a great mix of all ingredients so there was no filler taking up 75% of the burrito like rice at Qdoba. I know have to go back and try some of their non breakfast options. This will replace any Qdoba burrito I may think about getting as long as I live in Alaska. Well done Burrito Heaven, well done. They also cater, if you are throwing a fancy party or some shit, so that’s cool too.

That unmistakable look of a great burrito.

That unmistakable look of a great burrito.

Army-Chow: The Bane of my Existence

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I want to start by saying that I do not regret joining the army what so ever.  However, it at times drives me bat shit crazy.   It does amazing things, like win wars, but day to day it can seem to have no idea what is going on.  I am here to define a new word called “army-chow”

Army-chow (ahr-mee chou):

Noun: 1) the wildly mediocre and small portions of food served in the DFAC or chow hall.

Verb Phrase: 1) The process or ability to take something that would be normal, or sometimes satisfying and completely stripping it down to the point it drives disdain deep into the soul of the end user.

Example: “Bro, they really army-chowed the shit out of that army chow”

 

I’ll describe a little bit about where this word originated from. As you can see in the picture above, I eat most of my meals at the chow hall.  I am forced to do so by being forced to have a meal plan and live in the barracks (something else the army army-chows the fuck out of, but I won’t get into that).  That is obviously not a very large portion of anything.  This was after a rather strenuous ruck march we did and I was pretty fucking hungry.  Well in the chow hall, and most things in the army, nothing is decided on the individual, it is a blanket standard or policy that covers all.  So it doesn’t matter if a 210 lb mortarman comes in after a long ruck and is preparing to go to the field for three days, or a 110 lb girl who sits at a desk all day comes in.  You get the same portions.  You can count them, nine tater tots.  Sometimes you don’t even get that many.  Sure they have a little fruit bar and what not, but 95% of the time all it is in honey dew and melon, I fucking hate melon.  I want bacon, eggs, sausage, potatoes and they hand it out like it is worth its weight in gold.  I love breakfast food, it is the one meal that I try to never miss, my favorite meal of the day and the army has to go army-chow the shit of it.

Before I go get my drink on here is an example of how the army will army-chow anything.  I had a 4 day week this week.  Normally that would be satisfying since we do work hard at times.  Well, after it getting army-chowed I still put in about 50 hours in those 4 days.   I’ll spare the details because it could get lengthy.  But after my Humpy’s Xmas Party incident, the week just went down hill.  Monday I find out I have staff duty on Tuesday, a 24 hour shift of BS.  Then find out I have a jump Thursday, which includes pre-jump at 13:00 on my recover day.  Then jump day I sat on a bird in my parachute harness with a ruck for 5 hours just to not jump and get off 4 hours later than I was supposed to.  Of course non of this can ever get put out in advance to plan and prepare for.  Just add the inevitable possibility that someone army-chows my 3 day weekend.  At least I have beer and football tonight.